Ask Snape
by ultrasoul
Summary: A new advice service is available at Hogwarts. Need advice? Just ask Snape!
1. Default Chapter

This is an ill-attempt at humour while I was stuck on my other fic, this fic is just total silliness.  I read an RK fic out there similar to this one, but as I forget who did it and the title, I can't give them credit.  It's a similar advice sort of thing, but they asked Saitoh.  Just know this: this idea was stolen.  So please don't sue me.  ^_^

I've done several chapters of it, but please send in any suggestions as I'm out of ideas already.  I've done ones for Fred/George, Ron, Hermione, Lavender, Neville, and Goyle, but they can always do more than one letter.

Disclaimer: all characters/ideas belong to JKR and her publishing companies and all them.

~*~

_NOTICE:  Got a problem?  No idea what to do or who to turn to?  We now have a member of the staff who is available to answer any queries you have.  Professor Severus Snape is experienced in all fields, whether you have work-related problems or social problems, send Professor Snape a letter by leaving your mail at the foot of your bed.  The house-elves will deliver all mail, and you do not even need to give your name!  So when you need expert advice, leave that question at the foot of your bed, and he'll get back to you as soon as possible!_

The students gasped in amazement as they read the notice.

"There is no way I'll be asking _him anything!"  Ron exclaimed._

"Well, they did say that mail could be anonymous, and I believe that Professor Snape must be pretty experienced for Professor Dumbledore to entrust our problems with him," Hermione argued.

"Experienced or not, I have a feeling that any advice he has to give would not be to our liking," Harry said, "I mean, different people have different ways of doing things, and I dislike the way Snape does things."

"I definitely would be using this opportunity to ask some questions.  I mean, us students don't get a lot of support…" Hermione began.

"That's because people like Snape aren't the supporting type!"  Ron finished, "either way I don't believe that anyone would be asking him for any advice, he should expect no mail whatsoever."

Chapter 1- Study Problems

Dear Professor Snape,

I am an avid seer, I practice the art of divination regularly and I have seen that my exam results will not be too good.  As Professor Trelawny has not taught us the art of changing the future but only the art of seeing it, I'd like to ask you if you could tell me how I can change my future?

LB

~*~

Dear LB,

Divination is the only subject at this school that requires no study at all.  In other words, fortune-telling is a superstition, it is not real.  What you 'see' as your future is all made up in your head and reflects your expectations, so unless you wish to truly fail your exams, I suggest your get your nose out of those tea leaves and do some real study.

Severus Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

As a student, I am of the belief that we must all work hard to achieve the best marks we can.  I am probably the most hardworking student in my year.  However, even working day and night, come the exam day, I still feel nervous.  Many people tell me I work too hard, but is there any other way for me to learn the material, and recall it confidently, without having to work every waking hour?  Also, what shade of read should the healing potion be.  Mine was a crimson type of shade, is that correct?  Should I have added more claws?  Or maybe I added too many beetles?

Crookshanks

~*~

Dear Crookshanks,

_'All work and no play makes Crookshanks a dull person'_, and _'all play and no work makes Crookshanks a dumb person'_, so it is your choice what sort of person you wish to become.  If you learn your material properly, there is no need to feel nervous, and if you still feel nervous, that is an indication that you have not worked hard enough and you may wish to give up some quality eating and sleeping time to do that extra bit of study.

I do not know the difference between red and crimson, and I doubt any ordinary person would know this.  However, if your potion looked like blood, then you have made it correctly.

Severus Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

I am really scared of one of my professors, it is very difficult for me to concentrate while my professor is watching over us.  Is there a potion that can help soothe my nerves during the lessons, or some breathing technique that can help absolve my fear of this professor?

Frank Short

~*~

Dear Mr. Short,

Drinking potions to enhance your learning is against school rules, ten points from Gryffindor for even suggesting it.  As for breathing technique, I suggest breathing with either your mouth, your nose, or even both, otherwise you may well die.  I do not believe I am a scary professor, I shall be seeing you in class, I expect nothing to blow up next time.

Severus Snape

~*~

AN: Funny?  Weird?  Silly?  Let me know!!!


	2. Love Life

AN: many have asked for more letters and replies, and I'm sorry to say that won't be the case because I'm running out of ideas already!  But I hope the quality, rather than quantity, will be enough to satisfy. 

Thanks for all reviews!

Snow Phoenix- I'm glad you liked it, and please stay on the chair, I don't want to be sued for making you fall off of it!  ^_^  Thanks for dragging Starlitangel64 to read my fic! Sylandra Collins- I do wonder what possessed the students to ask him for advice, then again, good advice can come from the least expected source, and I do agree that they get extra issues because of his advice. 

**Melaniewilliamsandharrypotter- **hope this one's as funny as the last!

**Raven Child-** You read my mind!  Ron will be featured asking about a girl (gee, guess who ^^), glad you liked it.

**AmyPotter14-** I have written another chapter after this one, and after that I'm out of ideas!  I'm glad you like my sense of humour, and thanks for the encouragement!

**Rhiain-** Thanx for the encouragement, hope this one's as funny as the last!

**Joanne-Davenport-** lol, you read my mind!  Someone will be featured who has a crush on Snape, not in this chapter though, but you'll see!

**Desha-** Yes, Snape will be responding to several more letters, hope this chapter is funny.

**.-** I'm glad you found it funny.  I would like to do more questions and answers per chapter, but I can't think of more questions!  Hope this chapter satisfies you though.

**Pink Pixes-** thanks for the review, and even though it's a humour fic I'm glad that you think that everyone's in character!  You'll see Ron, and Cho, I'm still thinking of what sort of questions Harry could ask though, same for Dumbledore… but we'll see in upcoming chapters!

**Insane werewolf luva-** your name just made me think, I could do one for Remus!  What sort of question though?  I'll see, glad you liked it, hope this one's as funny as the last.

**Verne­-** cute?  That's the first time anyone has described my fic as cute ^_^, that's kinda cute!  This chapter is about the same length as the other though, hope it's enough?

**Alli-Baby- **well, here's more, enjoy!

**Nishshongo Grohochari-** I do think it's funny when Snape can figure out who the people are, and I gave a reason for it in this chapter.  Hmm, I haven't really thought of writing about how the students reacted in front of Snape after they got their replies, but I did write how they reacted to their replies in general.  Enjoy!

**Sage and Snape-** I personally liked Neville's one the best as well, and I think that Snape will be able to guess who most of the letters are from, and a reason for it is given in this chapter.  Thanks for the review!

**Starlitangel64-** hey, what are you doing reading fanfic in the college library!?  I prefer not to look up fanfic at uni 'cos they keep track of all the sights you look at, and if I failed I don't want them to use it as a reason for my failure!  ^_^.  What are you studying at college?  Glad you thought it was funny, hope you enjoy this chapter!

**Daydreamer-** I'm glad you thought it was funny, thanks for the review, hope this chapters as funny as the last!

**Sevikins-** Thanks for the review, hope you enjoy this chapter!

**Briana Marie-** I'm glad other people like my sense of humour!  One from McGonagall?  That's an idea I haven't thought of, thanks!  Hope you enjoy this!

**Ever-** Well, thanks for the review, enjoy this chapter!

**JC-** Yeah, I've given a reason for how he knows who some of the people who write the letters are in this chapter, hope this chapter satisfies you!

**The Phantom-** I'm glad you liked it, enjoy!

**Ckat44- **thanks for the review, here's the next chappie!

**Anora-** I think it's funny that Snape can guess who writes the letters, and a reason for it is given in this chapter, but there will be several that he can't guess, but you guys might be able to.  Ron is featured in one of my chapters, and I'm still thinking of what question Harry could ask.

**Crookykanks-** I'm glad you thought it was funny.  I think that red is, well, red, and crimson is a shade of red, I'm not too sure myself!  If someone knows please let me know!  Thanks for the review!  ^-^  that's cute by the way!

**Boo!-** thanx for the review, hope you enjoy this!

**Imperia-** thanks for the review!  I wouldn't say my idea was totally unique, as I saw it done for a Kenshin fic before, and I'm hoping that no-one else has done it like this for HP, but I'm glad you liked it!

**Jtyw-** others asked for more letters and replies, but I think they'll stay about the same length as the first one, because I am running out of ideas already, sorry!

Disclaimer: All characters and what-not belongs to JKR and all the publishers.

~*~

"Did you see Lavender?"

"What?"

"Look at her!  She's doing a Hermione!"

Harry looked over to where Ron was pointing and saw Lavender buried in a pile of books.  He shrugged, "maybe she realised that more than just looking at crystal balls was required to do well in her studies."

"Speaking of studying and Hermione, have you seen her today?"

Harry shook his head, "I've only seen her in classes, she wasn't even at meals.  I wonder what she's up to?"

"Maybe she found a way to sneak food into the library so that she could eat while she breathed in all the dust," Ron chuckled, "wanna go see if she's in there?"

"Yeah."

As the two of them made their way there, they ran into Neville, who squeaked at the impact, and looked fearfully at them.

"Hey Neville, what's up?"  Harry asked worriedly.

"We've got potions tomorrow first thing!"  He sounded absolutely frightened, and scampered off.

"What's up with him?  He's survived four years of potions, so what's the deal with tomorrow's lesson?"  Ron looked at Neville making his way to the boys dorms.

Harry sighed, "I think he asked Snape for some advice.  I saw him reading a letter this morning, and he didn't look too good when he finished the letter."

"A letter to Snape, ay?"  Ron thought.

~*~

Chapter 2- Love Life

To Snake (which was crossed out) Snape,

There is this girl who is in my grade, and in my house.  In fact, she's also in most of my classes!  We don't have much in common, I mean, she doesn't enjoy Quidditch like you're supposed to, and she's a total brain.  She's probably one of the smartest witches in the whole school!  The thing is, I've got feelings for her, but I don't know how to express it.  I mean, girls have a tendency to interpret what you say wrongly, don't they?  But that's not the only problem, there are several others.  She's one of my best friends, and I don't know what my other best friend would think if this girl became my girlfriend.  Also, she writes to this loser overseas, I think she's in love with him.  How do I make her see that I'm the right one for her?

Red Knight

~*~

Dear Red Knight,

I would like to point out that your first statement _'there is this girl who is in my grade, and in my house' would definitely mean that she is in most of your classes, and that the second sentence was not necessary at all.  From those sentences alone I can see why you admire your smart friend, you are not the brightest bulb and wish to be smart like her.  Also, it is not she who misinterprets what you say, it is obviously you who is not smart enough to say what you want to say correctly._

I am quite sure that your other best friend is much more famous than you are, and therefore will not feel left out as, to my own disgust, he will have many girls drooling over his fame and he will no doubt not notice if you and your other friend got together.

The _'loser overseas'_ is probably a better candidate for her love.  As you say that she is a smart witch, which means that she must know that the _'loser overseas'_ is the one for her.  You cannot force your views upon others, the only way to make her love you is by using a love potion, which I will not teach you.

As you can see, your silly questions leads to silly answers, so if you have a serious question, feel free to write again.

Severus Snape

PS- sticks and stones can break my bones, but ten points from Gryffindor for the name-calling.

To Professor Snape,

I've known this boy for a long long time.  Our father's know each other, and therefore I've known him for a long time.  He is so cute, with his silver-blond hair slicked back, it makes him look mean.  I'm with him all of the time, I protect him, I laugh at his jokes even though I don't understand them, I hit people that don't like him.  Should I be doing more for him to notice that I like him?  Or does he know that already and is playing it 'hard to get'?  I wrote a secret admirer letter to him, and he's been looking at me differently lately, does that mean he secretly admires me?

G

~*~

Dear Mr. G,

I know your friend personally, and I am sad to say that he has no sexual interest in you at all.  If you weren't serving him as you are now, then he would not notice your existence.  The best you can do is to continue your sad existence by serving him as a faithful servant.

If you wrote a secret admirer letter, you should have changed your handwriting.  No doubt your friend realized that you wrote him the letter, and he may very well take advantage of your emotions towards him.  It is doubtful that your friend secretly admires you.

Severus Snape

NOTE: Unless you've changed your handwriting, it is pretty easy for Snape to guess the letter writers due to both content and the handwriting.  Come on, he's read assignments from the students for ages!  Snape is one smart guy!

Dear Professor Snape,

I went out with this boy last year, but he left Hogwarts.  I still love him dearly, however, I am beginning to have feelings for another boy at Hogwarts.  They have a lot in common; they both enjoy quidditch, they are both smart, brave, and gentle boys.  However, with the absence of my previous boyfriend, the attraction to the other boy grows stronger every day.  I feel that if I was to go out with the other boy, I would be betraying my previous boyfriend.  What should I do?

Confused

~*~

Dear Confused,

The trouble with love is that it is unexpected, confusing, and often disrupts the life that you have made for yourself.  To counteract such confusion, one must practice the art of not-loving.  Did you not see what happened with Romeo and Juliet's love (we wonder how Snape knows that Muggle play…)?  They both died.  Such a shame really, at such a young age.  Surely you do not wish death upon yourself?  Therefore, I suggest you follow my example and learn not to love.  If you do not love, your heart will not be broken and you will be betraying nobody.

Severus Snape

Dearest Severus,

For many years now I have watched you from afar, even from the distance I can feel the attraction to your greasy visage.  Have you got a girlfriend?

In Love

~*~

Dear In Love,

Stay watching from afar.  I am not greasy, and when I find out who you are you will lose your house fifty points.  No, I have not got a girlfriend.

Severus Snape

~*~

AN- well, I could have done a bit more probably, but I think you guys would prefer this chapter up than me trying to think of more, hope it's enough for now.  If you have any more suggestions, please leave a review or write to tonderumushi@yahoo.com.au.  Until then, jaane~


	3. Ask 3

AN: Well, what could I do but apologise for the long wait? Anyhow, thanx to all reviewers, they really motivate me! No time to reply to reviews now, but thanks for all input and compliments, they make my day! As for In Love's identity, well, it's for me to know and for you to find out! I had actually intended for In Love to be an original character, but seeing as some people think it could be another professor… I'm still thinking about it! ^_^

Disclaimer: All characters belong to JKR, In Love may belong to me…

Chapter 3- Loving Snape

Dearest Severus,

I have long admired from afar that disgustingly slimy hair of yours and your crooked nose. What was the secret to this unique look of yours? I tried to not wash my hair for several months, but I cannot get it as greasy as yours. And how many times did someone break your nose before you could get it to be so big? That pallid skin against your darkest robes makes my heart flutter. Is black the only colour available in your wardrobe, or did you not have enough money to buy new robes and therefore wear the same ones all the time, which resulted in your robes becoming so dirty they look black? I imagine that your white skin and dark greasy hair would go nicely with a purple, similar to headmaster Dumbledore's.

Yours truly,

Georgina Winfred

~*~

Weasley,

Your letter was not the least bit amusing. Fifty points from Gryffindor.

SS

Dearest Severus,

You mistake me for those horrid wizards in Gryffindor, for which I am not. Looking at those wizards makes me want to puke. My heart truly lies with Slytherin, and of course, with you. If you need the proof, I will go to you tonight at midnight, where we can have a romantic night together in your dark dungeons.

Yours truly,

Georgina Winfred

~*~

Dear Miss Winfred,

Your presence is not necessary, ten points to Slytherin for such compliments. If you must know, I use my own potions in my hair for that effect, it is better than any muggle or wizard shampoo in the market. I was born with my nose like that, however, I will be willing to punch you several times if you wish for a nose like mine. As for my wardrobe range, I always buy black robes as I find that black suits me most. Albus will no doubt find it highly amusing if I changed my colour, and I will not allow myself to be a source of amusement for that old wizard.

Severus Snape

Dearest Severus,

Oh Severus, you are teasing me! How can I stay away from you, you sexy thing, when we live under the same roof for most part of the year? You must be lying, how can someone like you not have a girlfriend?

I heard from some contacts that you had received some expressions of interest from a party other than myself. This is just a message to let you know that whoever competes for your love will never win, because I love every little bit of you, from your impressive nose to your sarcastic lilt in your voice, I just wish to be surrounded by it…

Yours truly,

In Love

~*~

To whoever you are,

I do not tease, you are to stay away from me, and I do not have a girlfriend.

I am not a man of feelings, as long as those who chase after me stay far away from me, they will live to see the light of another day.

As for competing for my notice, if the other person was to begin to express their interest in such a way as your obvious verbal advances, I would hope one day to witness any such duel for my feelings and hope to have the fortune of seeing both duellists taking each other out with nothing short of the killing curse (sorry, stole that idea from Ron!). However, if you fail to wound each other fatally, I will be willing to assist in finishing both of you off.

SS

Dearest Severus,

Everytime you yell at the Gryffindors for something they did not do, everytime you take house points from Harry Potter for merely being Harry Potter, everytime you stand by Neville Longbottom and whisper insults in his ear, I wish that it was I who was at receiving end so that I can hear that silky voice (could someone explain to me how a voice could sound silky???) of yours at it's fullest. I am a Slytherin, so therefore I hope that you will one day become a fairer person and take more points from us so that I can hear that voice directed at me more often.

Yours truly,

Georgina Winfred

~*~

Dear Miss Winfred,

After reading your letters several times (he must've been pretty pleased with it to read it several times), I have convinced myself that you are truly Misters Weasley and Weasley. Therefore, I shall fulfill your wish to hear my silky voice at it's fullest. Detention Friday night at 6 o'clock at my office. Fifty points from Gryffindor, and if you do not come, then you will lose another fifty points a head.

SS

~*~

AN: That's all this time, next update should be quicker! (fingers crossed!)


	4. General Problems

AN: Apologies for the wait due to exams and all!  But at least this story doesn't have cliff-hangers!  Hmm, I think I've lost my touch, oh well…

Thanks again to all reviewers of chapters 2 and 3, hope I didn't leave anyone out:

**Goldensand, Moony2187, HarryGryffinGirl, allie, Snow Phoenix, Mage Kitty, midniteblusoccer, thegoldenphoenix8620,Vanyaria Darkshadow, QueenoftheSwans, coolcat411, Kyra Invictus Black, Trillium, wow, SiriusAboutMarauders, DayStarofTwilight, lijee, super_seeker_7, Hosanna, Alli-Baby, Harry Potter, Crookykanks, Abigail Nicole, S, HIEIhotsause, Yllen, writer007, Badassgothicgirl, Ever1, Clovobi, kaltee, AlienSmile13, Fanfic Fan11, Anora, Vanyaria Darkshadow, Mage Kitty, jenjen5, Amananduniel Black, Policia, me, KeeperOfTheMoon, lollipop-princess, melaniewilliamsandharrypotter.**

And because it's been so long since I've updated, I thought I should include a list of previous mail:

**Lavender Brown** (LB) about predicted failure in class

**Hermione Granger** (Crookshanks) about study schedule and healing potions

**Neville Longbottom** (Frank Short) about his fear of a certain professor in class, and ways to overcome the fear

**Ron Weasley** (Red Knight) about his feelings for Hermione, and how to make her see that Viktor's not the one for her

**Goyle** (G) about his feelings for Draco (that's just scary!)

**Cho Chang** (Confused) about her confusion over Harry; she loved Cedric, now he's gone, should she go for Harry?

**In Love** (who is my own creation for now, although she may end up being someone we know) proclaiming her love for Snape (ugh!).

**Fred/George**'s (Georgina Winfred) love letter about Snape's 'unique' greasy look, his nose, and his black robes.

**Fred/George** suggesting they prove their love in Snape's dark dungeons.

**In Love** saying that Snape's sexy (!?) and that she doesn't believe he doesn't have a girlfriend.

**Fred/George** about Snape's unfairness towards Gryffindors, they think Snape should yell more at the Slytherins.

Chapter 4- General Problems

To Professor Snape,

One of my dorm-mates is always having bad dreams and screaming in the middle of the night, and I can't get to sleep while he's always making a racket!  What can I do about him?  Can I have a sleeping potion?

Insomnia

~*~

Dear Insomnia,

I am not permitted to provide sleeping potions, as they are addictive after prolonged use, and also lose their effects after continuous use.  Nevertheless, if you had any talent in potions and had paid any attention in my classes, you should be able to concoct one of your own.

A simple solution to your problem would be a silencing spell surrounding your bed.  However, if the castle were to explode or there was some other emergency, you will not be aware and it may cost your life.  Another solution is a silencing spell on his bed, which means you could be risking his life instead.  So you must choose, your life, or his?

Another solution, although not as effective as the first, is to gag your dorm-mate, which will muffle the sounds a little.

Or maybe, you could somehow render him ill, allowing him to sleep in the hospital wing and therefore out of your hearing range.  I do not strongly suggest this idea though, as it may look suspicious after a while.  Putting yourself in the hospital wing is an idea though, as self-inflicted injuries will not be as suspicious as mysterious injuries on your dorm-mate.

I am sure you will decide what is right for you and your dorm-mate from my range of suggestions.

Severus Snape

XXX

Dearest Severus,

Now what made you think that I would draw, or even lose, in a duel for your love?  I will fight until the end with all of my being and come out the victor!

Tell you who I am?  That will ruin the mystery, and it's the mystery that makes one romantic, is it not?  I am sure if you swept your beautiful black eyes through the crowd, you will notice one staring at you with a lot of loving; that would be me.

Yours truly,

In Love

~*~

To whoever you are,

You will never win in a duel for my love for this simple fact: I do not love.

I do not find you being mysterious, romantic.  People abhor things that they do not understand and know.  I do not know who you are, and I abhor you for that.

I observe the goings on of students and teachers everyday, yet I see no-one staring at me.  I am certain that you are lying to me.

SS

XXX

To Professor Snape,

There are some older students that keep teasing me.  Everytime I walk down to the Great Hall for meals, between lessons, during breaks, it's as though they follow me around everywhere!  They call me fat and ugly, and laugh when I show them I am not pleased with their behaviour.  What can I do to make them go away?

Hufflepuff Girl

~*~

Dear Hufflepuff Girl,

You have pointed out the answer to your own question: they laugh when you show you are not pleased with their behaviour.  So there are other ways to counteract such behaviour.  If you think you are capable of physically handling the students (which I am sure you can as you are not happy with them calling you fat, which means that you really are fat and can just squash them, or take whatever hits they make), then you may ignore them, which makes them leave you alone or hit you.

Another simple solution which no doubt your Hufflepuff mind can never work out, is to take different routes; Hogwarts is a large school, I am sure that even with your size you can find your way around these harassing students.

If I were not a professor, I would suggest a few simple but effective hexes, but as I am otherwise, I cannot suggest this to a student as I will have the displeasure of having to deal with any magical accidents in the corridors, and I am quite sure you do not wish to face me when I am displeased.

Severus Snape

XXX

Dear Professor Snape,

I am going to be buying a Christmas present for this boy that I have liked for a long time.  He likes quidditch, and I was going to buy him something quidditch related but all of his friends buy him those sorts of accessories, and I don't have enough money anyway.  I am actually on a low budget, so I need to look for something inexpensive, but good.  I am asking you because you used to be a teenager, what sort of things did you want when you were a teenager?

V

~*~

Dear V,

I am sure that anyone can tell you that everyone is different.  If the boy likes quidditch, buy him a broom.  It does not have to fly, it makes an inexpensive present, and it is the thought that counts.

You wish to know what I liked as a teenager?  I assure you that the things that I liked, you have no way of buying.  Unless, of course, your parents are my acquaintances, if you understand my meaning. 

Severus Snape

XXX

Now for some questions from reviewers:

Submission from **writer007**

Dear Slimeball,  
I have this really stupid greasy haired teacher who is completely biased and not to mention, never washes his underpants. He hates me because my father and his friends used to play pranks on him, but I've never done anything to him. He is always trying to get me expelled and is constantly annoying me. How do I poison him?   
Yours truly,  
Scarhead

~*~

Potter,

Twenty points from Gryffindor for insulting my hair.

Twenty points from Gryffindor for questioning my favouring of students who actually do well (as we all know, the Slytherins do better than any other house).

Twenty points from Gryffindor for nosing into my hygeine habits.

Twenty points from Gryffindor for arrogantly thinking you've never done anything to me; your work reflects my teaching, and the poor quality suggests that I am a poor teacher, which I am not.

Twenty points from Gryffindor for insulting me.

Twenty points from Gryffindor for even suggesting to poison me.  I am aware that with your potions ability you have no way of making anything to poison me.  And you wonder why I want you expelled?  Such dangerous suggestions as poisoning a staff member surely demonstrates that you are not suitable for the school environment and are a danger to others.

SS

XXX

AN: That's all for now!  I haven't done replies to all other submissions, but I need some time to think about the replies, so that'll be in the next chapter as well.  Catchyas!


	5. Dumbledore's problems

AN: Here goes the next chapter! Sorry for the wait!

Thanks to all reviewers and suggestions, keep them coming! Sorry if I miss anyone!

****

Preety-lady-serenity, limited sanity, chibisuke, Vanyaria Darkshadow, snapes cat, Nistrale, dara, Rocky235, Dell Dragon, Abluebird225, erote, seleya, avivagirl (I've added your socks idea!)**, Viraten, Sammy Rettop Malfoy Snape, Snow Phoenix, HyperCaz, **and **Trillium** (I made a mistake, lol! I've changed it now, ta!)

Hmm, I forgot who asked, but someone asked if this was like Ask Moony. I can assure that I read that _after_ I did this, so I didn't mean to copy.

This chapter is dedicated to **Snow Phoenix**, who has reviewed every chapter from my memory, and for kindly not suing me when falling of their chair!

Disclaimer: all characters belong to JKR

~*~

Dear Severus,

I am having trouble choosing which hat to wear with my purple robes for the Christmas dinner. Do you think the orange with the black cats, or the green with white stars? Or perhaps I could go without a hat, but as my hair is thinning out my head will get a little cold, but I am sure a heating charm will do fine. Or even the purple hat with the pom-pom?

I plan to give Dobby the house-elf some socks for Christmas, which ones do you think he'd like better, the rainbow ones that change colour, or the mood socks that have different patterns depending on his mood?

I am still looking for a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. There were hardly any applications for this year, and of those applications, none of them were hardly qualified. I am quite busy, so I may ask Remus to take over the classes for me, what do you think?

Yours Sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore

~*~

Dear Albus,

(Imagine Snape gritting his teeth as he replies to Dumbledore's letter) I thought this service was only available to the students, and you yourself should have more years of experience in the world than I. You may notice that I do not wear hats and if you comment on my hair, Albus, I will be very angry with you for an undecided period of time, and I do not keep track of the wizarding fashion. Perhaps you should ask someone more experienced in this field such as Potter, who no doubt has to keep up with the fashion for his beloved fans and the general public. However, I do advise you not to wear the orange one with black cats, I feel that Christmas is not the right occasion for that outfit (does Snape even celebrate Christmas???).

The house-elf apparently was overjoyed when Potter gave it some of his old socks, so I can assure you that it would be happy with either pair you give him.

In the past you have hired professors who were, although qualified, were less than suitable for the position (_cough _Lockhart _cough_), and you have also tried those who were not so qualified as a professor (_cough_ Moody_ cough_, no really, just because you're good at a subject does not mean that you are qualified to teach it, you need pieces of paper that says that you've done a course that enables you to pass on your knowledge to others… and I doubt that Moody, in all his years as an Auror, had the time to complete such a course). I assume that you ask me this because you have not seen the application I sent in for the position? You know very well that my extensive knowledge of the Dark Arts and ways to counter them is far greater than that of the werewolf's. Also, I am qualified to teach.

Severus

~*~

Dear Severus,

Even in your letters you never cease to amuse me. I am sure the students are also enjoying your letters and heeding the advice you have given. And your advice is valuable to staff as well as students.

Seeing as you do not think orange is suitable, I have instead reverted to the purple with fluorescent yellow polka dots, as the purple goes with the robes, and the yellow should compliment it well. I doubt that Harry has much sense of fashion himself, did you not see the oversized clothing he was wearing? Or perhaps I am behind the times.

Ah Harry, such generosity! He obviously knows the kinds of things that Dobby likes, and I must agree that Dobby will be happy to have any kind of socks, so that sorts that out!

I am well aware that you are fully qualified to teach DADA, but if you were to be our Defence professor, then who would be the Potions professor? And to be honest with you, three quarters of the student body would not be too happy if you were to be teaching them two subjects. So Remus Lupin it is then. Could you be kind enough to brew some Wolfsbane for him?

Yours Sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore

~*~

Dear Albus,

(Imagine him growling) I am glad to see that you can derive amusement from the simplest things. Wear whatever hat you want, everyone thinks you are mad anyway.

Ask Potter if he gave Dobby those socks out of generosity! (humph!)

I think that finding a replacement Potions professor is easier than finding a new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor. Think about it Albus, think of all the things the students are missing out on, think of all the things that the students can learn from me but not from the werewolf. Also, the werewolf may accidentally have a nip out of one of the students, you do not want that on your reputation as Hogwart's Headmaster, do you?

Severus

~*~

Dear Severus,

I take that as a compliment.

I know Harry very well and can vouch he gave those socks out of generosity, he does not have that many clothes in the first place, and to give away such warm clothing!

I am well aware that it is easier to find a replacement Potions professor, but if I hire you, then our reputation for having a different DADA professor each year will be ruined, and potions, dungeons, and you just go so well together.

Yours Sincerely,

Albus 

~*~

__

Snape runs out of replies for Dumbledore, and walks off-screen in frustration.

XXX

Submission from **preety-lady-serenity**

Dear Professor Snape,

I was merely asking for advice, not to be insulted. The rudeness was uncalled for! I suggest you apologise before I show this letter to my head of house!

Hufflepuff Girl

~*~

Hufflepuff Girl,

Was I insulting you? I apologise, I was merely making observations upon the content of your letter. The fact that you find it insulting means I've hit the nail with my observations about your size.

And what makes you think I will be afraid of Sprout? You may notice that none of the other staff members save Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall dare approach me, so I can assure you that complaining to Professor Sprout would have done you no good, not to mention that she would most likely agree with my observations and advice.

Severus Snape

__

Hufflepuff Girl, obviously not a Gryffindor, is too afraid to reply

XXX

Submission from **snapes cat**

My Dear Beloved,  
Heh heh, nervous? No I am not in love with you, just keeping you on your toes.   
ANYWAYS! A certain Slytherin boy keeps calling me a mudblood and its getting annoying. Could I kick him in areas I'd rather not talk about and get away with it? I'm a Slytherin by the way.   
And... Oh! I'm kinda an animal activist and I don't like dealing with random animal bits and pieces so would you know of any vegan potions we could cover?   
Here's something completely random for you to ponder on: I do volunteer work at an old folk's home with my friend who's mum is the manager for. I'm sure you'd get along grand with her. Back to my point! The residents are all elderly women and as much as they love us lovely teenage girls who confuse them, I'm sure they'd like to see a fine piece of man meat such as yourself once in a while, so would you mind it if I dragged you along? It would be fun! Lovely ladies, they are.  
Well, those are my questions for now.   
Much Love from,  
Snape's Cat

~*~

Dear Cat,

I am not very comfortable with you referring to you as my cat, when I find out who you are, there will be points to be taken.

I do not believe you are a Slytherin, Mudblood Slytherins are very rare, and the fact that you tell a professor what you intend to do to this boy demonstrates a level of cunning that is not of a Slytherin, but perhaps more of a Gryffindor. Ten points from Gryffindor (can't have him going without his favourite line, even though this letter writer might not be a Gryffindor!).

If you were smart enough, you could research some substitutes for the 'animal pieces' that you are uncomfortable working with. I can assure you there are some, but as plants and animals are of a different making altogether, some potions can only work with animal parts. I can see you are definitely not a Slytherin, a Slytherin is not afraid of some dead animals! Perhaps you are not a Gryffindor either, I don't see the bravery in you. Ten points from Hufflepuff!

If there are so many old ladies at this place you wish to 'drag' me along to, I can help administer potions to keep them quiet, then none of us need to do the volunteer work.

S. Snape.

XXX

Submission from **dara**

Dear Severus,

You did not reply my last letter, I am pleased that I can out-argue you still, it makes me feel young and powerful again!

Some other members of the staff and myself would like to suggest you lighten up a little. Always locked up in your dungeons, must get quite boring. How about you find yourself a girlfriend?

Sincerely,

Albus

~*~

Dear Albus,

The day anyone can out-argue you, Albus, is the day the Dark Lord declares his love for Potter. I am glad that it gives you a higher self-esteem. (note the sarcasm)

I would like to suggest the other members of the staff to keep their noses out of my life, I am sure they have more important things to do than ponder about my social life. There is no need to 'lighten up' in this line of business (being in the constant presence of students, that is), and looking at your marital status, who are you to go telling me to find a girlfriend? At your age, you should be having grandchildren, but no, you're still single! Perhaps I want to stay single until I'm as old as you. (Can't we tell he's annoyed?)

Severus

XXX

AN: sorry for the wait, see you next time! Remember, even though there's no guarantee this fic will be continued, if you have any comments, criticisms, suggestions, or submissions, leave a review or write to tonderumushi@yahoo.com.au, ciao!

~ultrasoul


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